Chopin things.

Walked home,
wait-
not "home"
pretty close to it,
but still 40 miles from where I sleep,
from my new
job
telemarketing.

Getting people to buy
beautiful sounds.

Decided to fore go the bus
to save two bucks
so I could get a hot dog
and eat something, emphasis thing,
today.

I also got two tickets
$110 worth, free mind you
so I could give them away
to people who could possibly
use them for cute and profound dates,
because god knows
I'm too lonely for that shit.

The sun.

I think I know how Icarus fell(t).

splinters

now i've got splinters in my arms
from holding up this criss-crossed
thing that we built, from sand and from silt
unstable foundation, obvious observation
blind validation, kept my eyes closed.
I just wanted to dream, give or take sleep,
but I flew too close,
and my vinyl wings melted into albums
that spin in circles around my head,
playing our song we never had.

She is a geek .

I get so sad,
and then so sick
of being sad.
I put my uninhibiters on,
and get dumb ideas.

Not dumb as in dangerous,
but manifestations
of things children would think of,
but- due to curfew,
remain fantasy.

I want to start a scooter gang,
and eat out of a dumpster for a week.
I want to play music for money
on the street.
I want to make songs on tapes,
explore alleys, find my soul mate.

A life that isn't in a civics book.

Holiday II

The woman who
partied with The Pretenders and
rocked to the Dead Kennedys
in San Francisco
in the 70's
came back tonight.

Kathy,
don't forget Kathy.

Kathy,
Bahrain is a country.

Forward, always

"What ARE you looking forward to?"


Dandelions, I guess.

3rd

"Don't look Jennell."

Don't look.
Happiness is walking in front of you.

Don't look.
You'll just feel sick.

Try Jennell.
Just try to be happy.

Fake it.
It's ok.

It's what you make it.

Hold it in.
Let it out.

Breathe.
1,2.

Broken glass.

As I picked up the broken glass
from bottles you dropped,

I missed the old you.



**********

You offered to help,
but I did it myself.
Hopefully to prove
that I can pick up
something so
shattered.

Bad.

I have to collect my thoughts on this.

This morning I witnessed
quite possibly the worst thing
I have ever seen.

It deserves meaningful entry
that I cannot deliver at 4am.

Chopin'

I have a "99% chance" of getting a job
selling tickets
to the orchestra
over the phone.

Acceptance.

My best friend told me
the last time she saw me
this upset
for this long
was when my dog died.
Denial.

I was the only one home
the day I knew Kessie
was going to die.
I saw it in his eyes,
and I felt it.
In one day,
he was gone.
Forever.
Anger.

This,
as insane as it sounds,
feels worse.
Bargaining.
The finality is lacking,
yet overbearing.
It is not death,
it is a dozen Kubler-Ross stages
repeating.
Depression.

It's hearing that,
something I've so coveted after,
for months,
something so simple,
fucking hand-holding,
is out of my reach.
Forever.

Eats.

In the past three days,
I've eaten a piece of pita
and an energy bar.

In the past three days,
I've walked about 12 miles,
and bikes a few.

Today,
I wandered a grocery store
looking for something
I feel I could eat
without getting sick.

After a half hour,
and several intense nauseous reactions,
I settled on a cranberry muffin,
which sits next to me,
half eaten,
as my stomach tightens again.

Dollars and sense.

I spent my last $5 on a basement show,
to establish normalcy,
to prove that I am OK,
and tap my foot a little bit.
To make it home,
I had to pay for gas
with nickels and dimes,
and still wind up with .7 gallons.
The attendant gave me discerning look,
if only she knew
what these past three days have been.

I feel like I've been hit by a train.

Pits

I can't even eat anything.
There's such a pit.

I'm named after a bartender,
not a famous writer.

Another

I fixed a Xerox today,
and got a broken heart.

Blues.

The lake was such
a vivid blue today
that it sent
a chill down my spine
all the way to my
knees.

Sunday, sunday, sunday.

Did your laundry at my house,
with my mom.

Showed you my coin collection,
which I'm really proud of,

Played your new amp,
and my old drums,
with my rusty arms.
I guess we played Minor Threat,
and you were singing along,
even though I didn't hear it.

Geez, if only
you knew
how much I adore you,
so genuinely,
that I want to give you
a coin I inherited from
a grandfather I never met,
so I can watch you roll it
down your fingers,
because I think it's
borderline magical.

For those who don't inspire mixtapes.

Today
felt like I was in Florida
it was 40 degrees,
bear with me,
but the way the seagulls echoed
off the walls
felt like
Anne Marie Island,
before I walked to the shore
of the gulf,
at midnight.
The first time
I'd ever seen the ocean.

Breakin' the law.

I've got a stupid law
I'd like to break.

A beautiful day

When we discuss the fact that
so many people
have their philosophies
backwards-
that
friendship should come before love,
and that's the way
things used to be,

I can't help but feel
just the slightest bit hopeful
y'know?

Maybe,
someday,
you'll see me differently.

But today
was still beautiful.

Ideas

Pre-dawn,
semi-conscious
thoughts on notepad.

"sandwiches to homless people"

I only get creative in chaos,
all my best thoughts come after midnight.

=/=

Last night,

I said

"What I can get and what I deserve,

are not at all similar things"

...that's frightening that I think that,

in hindsight.

37

I’ve seen the size of that painting in your mind
And I can be the frame when it arrives.