The matches.

The day I have the first contact with
the man whose life
I saved a year and a half ago
is the same day
my aunt is diagnosed with
stage IV cancer.

If I saved one life,
maybe I could save two.

If only-
it were that easy.

The Gales of November.

"the edmund fitzgerald may have sunk 35 years ago, but I'm the one that she loves."

Empty words.

I cannot hear
sweet prospects
devoid of any fruition
anymore.

At least while
I still have the mentality
that every insight
to my soul
I offer,
is
so
brutally
sincere.


If I didn't care so much,
I wouldn't care.

Priorities.

Honestly,
what is it going to take?

Even though
I have giant,
looming,
"adult"
issues knocking on my
doorstep (ironically).

All,
and literally all,
I can think about
is how badly I want
to just fall asleep
next to someone.

Park. Drop. Sleep. Dream.

I don't want anymore
"You're one of my best friends".

An id(iot)ea

Idiot savants
lack the brain capacity
for normal,
"normal"
human functions.
Walking.
Speech.
Reading.
Relationships.
However,
the areas of the brain
which remain unoccupied by these functions,
become almost superhumanly attune
with other outlets.
Music.
Painting.
Facts.
To compensate for the
"empty space"
left in the brain.

So, I purpose,
"learned savant".
One who functions near normally,
but remains severely malfunctioned
in only one aspect of
normal
human
behavior,
and as a result-
excels in a more obscure
human personality aspect.


Maybe that's why I'm funny.

Right.

I haven't even been inspired
to write since March.

Who knew
that one set of blue eyes
could destroy me so much.

iwishiwouldstophavingdreamasthatyoulovedme.

Curling and cancer.

I accidentally pulled out some eyelashes today.

A year ago
today
I donated bone marrow.

I hope I get a good phone call
soon.

Happy

I want you to be happy,
I do.
But more than anything
I want to be
the cause of happiness
in you.

Good morning Toby.

At 6 this morning,
my dog started barking.
I let him outside,
only to find
3 chickens
in our yard,
and him running
furiously at them
and away from my house.

So, I started screaming
and running after him
for fear of him either
killing and eating someone
or him running into the road.
I didn't even have time
to put shoes
or pants-
on, before I ran
over pine cones
and gravel.

Ah, bumblefuck living.

I don't want to be alone anymore.


Every second
it's there.

2002

In seventh grade,
at my birthday party in a hotel
in the dells,
my best friend met
a boy
named Phil
from Texas.

He was very sweet,
with a southern drawl.

She instantly fell in love
with him.
Well, whatever love is
at that age.

However,
she knew
she would never see him
again.

She was crushed.
She didn't even want to smile.

So,
we decided that night,
to make a pact with another girl,
that the three of us
would not get boyfriends, or
fall in love,
until we all could at the same time.
So no one would feel excluded or invalid.

This week I found out she is pregnant.

Why facebook sucks.

Fell asleep with my window open,
woke up to an inevitability
I'd hope I wouldn't have to see
in my news feed.

A Jam For Every Hour

Yesterday,
I searched for a mix CD
that was hidden for me
in a book about Treehouses
in the Milwaukee Public Library.

I'm glad,
impressed,
relieved,
that there is still some
clandestine idealism
in this world.

On a different note:
I wish he wouldn't kiss her
in front of me.

Chopin things.

Walked home,
wait-
not "home"
pretty close to it,
but still 40 miles from where I sleep,
from my new
job
telemarketing.

Getting people to buy
beautiful sounds.

Decided to fore go the bus
to save two bucks
so I could get a hot dog
and eat something, emphasis thing,
today.

I also got two tickets
$110 worth, free mind you
so I could give them away
to people who could possibly
use them for cute and profound dates,
because god knows
I'm too lonely for that shit.

The sun.

I think I know how Icarus fell(t).

splinters

now i've got splinters in my arms
from holding up this criss-crossed
thing that we built, from sand and from silt
unstable foundation, obvious observation
blind validation, kept my eyes closed.
I just wanted to dream, give or take sleep,
but I flew too close,
and my vinyl wings melted into albums
that spin in circles around my head,
playing our song we never had.

She is a geek .

I get so sad,
and then so sick
of being sad.
I put my uninhibiters on,
and get dumb ideas.

Not dumb as in dangerous,
but manifestations
of things children would think of,
but- due to curfew,
remain fantasy.

I want to start a scooter gang,
and eat out of a dumpster for a week.
I want to play music for money
on the street.
I want to make songs on tapes,
explore alleys, find my soul mate.

A life that isn't in a civics book.

Holiday II

The woman who
partied with The Pretenders and
rocked to the Dead Kennedys
in San Francisco
in the 70's
came back tonight.

Kathy,
don't forget Kathy.

Kathy,
Bahrain is a country.

Forward, always

"What ARE you looking forward to?"


Dandelions, I guess.

3rd

"Don't look Jennell."

Don't look.
Happiness is walking in front of you.

Don't look.
You'll just feel sick.

Try Jennell.
Just try to be happy.

Fake it.
It's ok.

It's what you make it.

Hold it in.
Let it out.

Breathe.
1,2.

Broken glass.

As I picked up the broken glass
from bottles you dropped,

I missed the old you.



**********

You offered to help,
but I did it myself.
Hopefully to prove
that I can pick up
something so
shattered.

Bad.

I have to collect my thoughts on this.

This morning I witnessed
quite possibly the worst thing
I have ever seen.

It deserves meaningful entry
that I cannot deliver at 4am.

Chopin'

I have a "99% chance" of getting a job
selling tickets
to the orchestra
over the phone.

Acceptance.

My best friend told me
the last time she saw me
this upset
for this long
was when my dog died.
Denial.

I was the only one home
the day I knew Kessie
was going to die.
I saw it in his eyes,
and I felt it.
In one day,
he was gone.
Forever.
Anger.

This,
as insane as it sounds,
feels worse.
Bargaining.
The finality is lacking,
yet overbearing.
It is not death,
it is a dozen Kubler-Ross stages
repeating.
Depression.

It's hearing that,
something I've so coveted after,
for months,
something so simple,
fucking hand-holding,
is out of my reach.
Forever.

Eats.

In the past three days,
I've eaten a piece of pita
and an energy bar.

In the past three days,
I've walked about 12 miles,
and bikes a few.

Today,
I wandered a grocery store
looking for something
I feel I could eat
without getting sick.

After a half hour,
and several intense nauseous reactions,
I settled on a cranberry muffin,
which sits next to me,
half eaten,
as my stomach tightens again.

Dollars and sense.

I spent my last $5 on a basement show,
to establish normalcy,
to prove that I am OK,
and tap my foot a little bit.
To make it home,
I had to pay for gas
with nickels and dimes,
and still wind up with .7 gallons.
The attendant gave me discerning look,
if only she knew
what these past three days have been.

I feel like I've been hit by a train.

Pits

I can't even eat anything.
There's such a pit.

I'm named after a bartender,
not a famous writer.

Another

I fixed a Xerox today,
and got a broken heart.

Blues.

The lake was such
a vivid blue today
that it sent
a chill down my spine
all the way to my
knees.

Sunday, sunday, sunday.

Did your laundry at my house,
with my mom.

Showed you my coin collection,
which I'm really proud of,

Played your new amp,
and my old drums,
with my rusty arms.
I guess we played Minor Threat,
and you were singing along,
even though I didn't hear it.

Geez, if only
you knew
how much I adore you,
so genuinely,
that I want to give you
a coin I inherited from
a grandfather I never met,
so I can watch you roll it
down your fingers,
because I think it's
borderline magical.

For those who don't inspire mixtapes.

Today
felt like I was in Florida
it was 40 degrees,
bear with me,
but the way the seagulls echoed
off the walls
felt like
Anne Marie Island,
before I walked to the shore
of the gulf,
at midnight.
The first time
I'd ever seen the ocean.

Breakin' the law.

I've got a stupid law
I'd like to break.

A beautiful day

When we discuss the fact that
so many people
have their philosophies
backwards-
that
friendship should come before love,
and that's the way
things used to be,

I can't help but feel
just the slightest bit hopeful
y'know?

Maybe,
someday,
you'll see me differently.

But today
was still beautiful.

Ideas

Pre-dawn,
semi-conscious
thoughts on notepad.

"sandwiches to homless people"

I only get creative in chaos,
all my best thoughts come after midnight.

=/=

Last night,

I said

"What I can get and what I deserve,

are not at all similar things"

...that's frightening that I think that,

in hindsight.

37

I’ve seen the size of that painting in your mind
And I can be the frame when it arrives.

Towers

Shit,

it could be a whole different level of profound,

if you were willing to let it.

Just give me an inch,

I swear I'll never ask for a mile.

775

I hope I didn't ruin a friendship.

Not that it's at all actually about me,

but I still feel just a twinge responsible.

Today,

I walked down the street

with my keyboard

under my arm

playing

pre-recorded ballads

and the jaws theme song.

I sat on a bench

and played set beats

and tried to think of rhymes.

I walked past several

fancy restaurants

and I think,

made several dates

memorable.

Being sad or stupid.

So,

my melancholy went over the edge tonight,

and I cried most of the way home.

I really hate crying.

It started as one tear

while listening to a song

about a girl named Stella,

and turned into this fairly uncontrollable

moderate sob

with the occasional self-muddled

"why are you doing this?"

I rolled down the windows,

so the freezing air might

dry my face

before I got home

But,

my mom just walked in the door

and asked what was wrong,

and I told her "nothing",

and she stood there,

until I could almost feel the tears again.

After the second "nothing",

she knew.

"You just like him a lot don't you?"

Also-

My heart has been extremely heavy lately.

I wish I had a hand to hold.

Karma

So,

a man, who we at the shop,

have come to become quite irritated by,

took, and later tried to purchase

evangelical literature

that we acquired

completely dishonestly

with a sob story and proper capitalization.

After we told him they weren't ours to sell,

he went to the bathroom, and

(although I think it's unrelated)

pissed all over the toilet seat,

and didn't flush.

I cleaned up that man's piss.

I guess that's what you call Karma.

re:

Am I just a replacement

for a regret?

David Blaine type shit.

Last night,

while a priest was speaking

of his missionary work in Venezuelan Barrios,

I was showing a little girl

a coin trick.

I had her guess which hand

the coin was in,

when she was wrong,

I pulled it from behind her ear,

and told her that she had it

the whole time.

She was astonished,

to say the least.

But- I played it off as nothing,

when,

in reality,

I was just as amazed as her.

Posthumous Valentine's Day Post

Two Valentine's days ago,

I donated blood,

and had it sent

special order

to Children's hospital

because I have

a rare blood type apparently.

It was quite the epiphany,

a realization that

my crummy singular attitude

was vastly out of perspective.

Last Valentine's day,

I went on a date.

My first blind date-

hell, my first (and only since actually)

DATE.

He was a tall, metal kid,

with black hair as long as mine,

and about a half dozen facial piercings.

We went to Rocky Horror Picture show,

the lingerie special.

I wore a sweater.

He was nice enough, I mean,

he bought me a glowstick.

It was quite the epiphany,

a realization that

my crummy singular attitude

was vastly out of perspective.

Yesterday,

my blind date got engaged,

and I feel...

crummy?

Variations on a high five.

These high fives

are the perfect

microcosm

for this whole thing.

Frequent,

intense,

jovial.

Yet,

exceedingly brief.

Almost to the point

of intangibility.

For that instant,

the connection

feels like it's all I wanted,

on the horizon of

this greater thing,

this thing that I desire

so badly, nearly to the level

of absurdity.

It's

all

right

there.

But,

it's a fleeting instant,

immediately falling

back into the realm of

just friends.

Falling

Tonight I laid on a frozen lake,

ear to the ice,

listening for any signs of movement.

I closed my eyes and listened

to 120 beats,

I figured that's

twice the speed of time.

I caught a man

who was falling,

but was then told to let him drop,

and I said

I couldn't.

Bees

I don't have the heart to tell you...

but your lip balm is actually mine.

I left it on the table by accident,

and you thought it was yours mistakenly.

Let her be.

I should not be getting

this morose over

Hootie and the Blowfish

cover songs.

I can't deny that I'm lonely,

but I don't have to bother anyone with it.

I came up with this on a roof.

Love

is

when

the achievement of

another's happiness

transcends

yours.

Therefore,

love

is

sometimes

being a martyr.

Atlas

I have to resort

to the 8 minutes of

sporadic dreams

in the morning

to act how I wish

so desperately

I could.

At least I get that.

*

These coincidences,

are cosmically

insignificant,

but

emotionally

heart-wrenching.

If you're wondering.

I'm really happy.

Don't get me wrong.

And when I see other people happy,

I get happier.

But there is something,

a void,

somewhere.

I have so much

genuine

love

to give away.

I don't ask for it in return-

because giving it

is what makes me happy.

Means,

ends.

Everything.

I may be waiting for nothing,

but I'm certain I don't care.

It's brutally beautiful.

Jack Bow Wow

Found a dog,

well, not me personally,

but close enough.

Picked her up in the snow

with my car.

She was freezing

and wearing a blue vest.

Took her to warm up,

and figure a plan of action,

if she didn't get home.

Made a leash out of string,

then went to the shop,

the first official dog there.

Posted a lost ad online,

and went for a walk,

hoping.

And like,

fate- I guess is the word,

we find someone looking for her.

Apple.

We're...heroes?

Too much caffeine

Lat night

I had a dream

that I was sitting outside

looking into a window.

(It was today, specifically.)

And he rode up on

his bike,

and sat next to me

incredibly close,

so that

our cheeks were touching.

I asked him why,

and he said,

"I want people to know

this girl that I love. "

Then I woke up.

I blame coffee.

50 Billion Years

Drove 100 miles

for a punk rock show,

because I think

solidarity is cool.

Pulled over on some

desolate road,

and climbed to the roof of my car

to look at endless stars.

Yelled.

We're so small,

it's so beautiful.

Holden Caufield Complex

"born in the world not just strongly attracted to beauty but, almost, hopelessly impaled on it"

USPS ptII

So,

my dad just came up to me,

and said:

"I heard you have a secret admirer!"

I explained the

already-used

one cent

upside-down

self mailed card.

"Oh, yikes, sorry"

He said.

USPS

I sent myself

a postcard

with an

already used

upside-down

one cent stamp.

Just for shits/giggles.

I addressed it to myself,

with the text,

"You are so cool,

I miss you!

Love,

Your secret admirer"

To my surprise, it worked.

But-

Now my mom is legitimately convinced

that I have somebody

pining after me.

And I wish I could say,

"Yeah Ma,

I guess some boy is all sorts of crazy for me"

Instead:

"This was just my lame attempt to commit fraud,

I'm still real lonely, Ma"

MAYBE.

Maybe we are meant for each other

because spell check

doesn't recognize

either of out names

as legitimate words.

Fortes fortuna.

Today,

I sat in the bathtub,

in a blanket

and tried to lean Latin

on cassette.

I learned some numbers,

the conjugations of Love,

and then I feel asleep.

I learned about the sun a little too,

I can't wait until the topic

comes up in regular conversation...

I WILL SEEM SO INTELLIGENT.

I wasn't allowed out of the house

because of the snow.

Do you remember when?

If I have kids ever...

I want them to be able to say;

"My parents were(are) really cool."

That's, rather secretly, a huge goal of mine.

Adventures and laughter forever.

Homo Milk 69

My life is currently

a completely chaotic

wonderful unknown.

Sitting in a laundromat,

with a boy,

a bag full of mirrors,

and a strange urge to puke.

Bliss.

Things I need or want.

Need a steaming cup of confidence,

and maybe a little less inhibition.

Need to stop comparing myself

to people I barely know.

I am not (will never be) her.

She (No one) is not (Will ever be)

me.

Need to appreciate things for what they are

when they are,

not-

what they aren't

or may never be.

Want to feel beautiful.

Want to say "I love you"

to someone, once,

and see what that's like?

Missy

she'd seen two parents die

by the time she turned five

sure, one was still breathing

but- it's not like she was

ever on his mind.

in between the booze

and the broads,

the scotch and the sluts,

missy got left behind.

so she got pawned

two generations down

and lived with the greats

in a trailer,

with no grass on the lawn.

Sick

I once got so sick,

I forgot how to read.

Sleep

I used to sleep

so unsoundly,

that I would wake up

with my feet on my pillow.

Now,

I fall asleep reading a book,

and my hand is still holding on

to the same page

as the sun rises.

The worst thing I've ever done.

When I was ten,

a good friend's brother

committed suicide.

This was January.

At my birthday party,

she fell asleep first.

This was April.

The rest of the guests,

myself included,

knelt around her curled up

on the floor.

I don't remember what compelled me

to do this, but

I leaned in, and whispered in her ear

that I was her brother.

She kept sleeping,

and I kept whispering

until she woke up sobbing.

I remember her tears the rest of the night.

I'm sorry Grace.

Butter Pecan, Chocolate

Shared a 5 scoop cone.

If you don't feel even

a little bit the same...

this is rather cruel.

Maybe something.

I wished for you on my 13^th birthday,

Blew out the candles and met you

Seven years later at a café

You, with a broken right arm

And I with a bruised left.

Two months later, we were driving

500 miles north

So I could “follow my dreams” you said,

Funny, you were the one already

In the passenger seat.

011110

Today,

the company I work for

filed for bankruptcy.

I also got a pair of shoes,

for two dollars.

Einstein on the Beach

I just got invited to a Phillip Glass concert

out of state,

by an Iraq-war vet,

who I met on Craigslist,

because he made me a mix CD,

which included Fugazi and Bad Brains,

who happened to be

one of my best friend's

sister's

closest friends.

More sleeping habits

I sleep in a tee shirt.

When I get dressed in the morning,

I simply pull the shirt over my head,

and leave it crumpled inside-out

on my floor.

At night,

I pick up the shirt,

and put it on,

inside-out

So it takes two days

for me to properly put on a shirt.

Tonight,

is the first night I'm sleeping with

sheets on my bed

in over two months.

I JUST DON'T LIKE 'EM.

The read threads.

Last night I fell asleep sewing.

I woke up this morning

tangled in a half spool

of yellow thread.

__________________________________________

II

"Today, gaze at everyone whether they might be the one true love of your life, the one destined for you and you alone, and whether you might be passing them forever...Act in consequence"

1. The Jimmy John's Guy

He was pretty cute I suppose. When he told me my total, he said "fiddy" instead of "fifty", I guess I could either take that as him having a good sense of humor, or being kind of chatchy. He seems like the kind of guy who would strive to be the center of attention, probably doing innumerable things to ensure his constant need for approval is fulfilled. However, when he was handed the wrong sandwich, he did immediately fix the situation, with a smile. Hence, he either loves his job, or is looking for some kind of managerial position, perhaps. Regardless, I don't think he was my true love.

2. Dave Velleman.

He is a free-form jazz legend on the east side. During the days of summer you can find him busking nearly every day on Brady Street. He is super sweet, and very gracious for every single tip he gets in his case. Apparently, that's how he pays his rent. He's extremely talented, no question. I did hear that he did a lot of drugs though, come to think of it...I can't believe that at all surprises me. Unfortunately, I don't think I like Coltrane enough for him to be my true love.

3. Coffee at 1pm

Guy came in and bought a 1.75$ coffee. He left 1.25$ tip. Maybe he WAS my true love.